Do Me A Favor

There is something frightening going on today in America. Terrifying. And although it's spreading across the 50 states at an alarming rate, the source is clearly Hollywood, California. It's an epidemic, and it's called 'remake mania.'

Charlotte's Web (1973) - remade 2006
Clash of the Titans (1981) - remade 2010
The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) - remade 2008
Fame (1980) - remade 2009
Hairspray (1988) - remade 2007
The Karate Kid (1984) - remade 2010
Planet of the Apes (1968) - remade 2001 (prequel set for 2011)
War of the Worlds (1953) - remade 2005
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971) - remade 2005

And now Footloose? C'mon! Stop already!

When I heard about Footloose, the gears in my head started turning and after a little research I found a website which claims to know of remakes in the works. *Deep breath* And guess what else is on their list? The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas - you have GOT to be kidding me. Any remake of that film will be so terribly inappropriate that it will go straight to video. Maybe.

How about Hitchcock's The Birds, The Black Hole, or Dune? I know, Dune!

Well did you know that Ghostbusters is on this list? Or Gremlins? What if they remake The Neverending Story? Who would play The Child-Like Empress to such perfection? And in all seriousness, how can they possibly remake Superman? I'm going on the record now and announcing my official boycott of that movie if they do.

This is painful. Sure, there have been a few decent remakes, but I'm so upset right now that I can't even think of one. There are some movies that deserve to be preserved in the decade they were produced in. No one is interested remaking Witness, are they? Or Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing? No. Because it's ridiculous! So instead they'll destroy 80s classics like Gremlins and Ghostbusters and ruin them with modern-looking special effects... remember what happened with the new Star Wars trilogy?

C'mon, Hollywood. There are thousands of starving writers out there and unemployment is high. Can't you hire a few of them and produce something original?

Just please, please do me one small favor. Just one... and yes, I want you to pinkie swear. Please don't remake Grease. And I'm not talking about Grease 2... I'm talking about John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John singing Summer Nights in the school yard. You'll destroy me, Hollywood, and you'll forever change the spirit and soul of karaoke duets.

Trust me when I say that you don't want the weight of this on your shoulders, or on your soul. Please, Hollywood... please?

The Jennifer Boycott

I'm boycotting Jennifer Aniston. I'm so sorry, Jennifer. I like you, I really do. When Brad went flaky and left you, I was with you all the way, 100%, unequivocally. I think you're adorable, talented, clever and smart... and my guess is that you're a pretty great person... but I can't do this anymore. I just can't watch another Jennifer-Aniston-looking-cute kind of movie.

I feel the need to provide a parallel. I'm not a Jim Carrey fan. Not at all. I liked The Mask when it came out (can you believe that was 1994?), but nearly every movie that Jim Carrey does results in the same character from him. He never made me laugh, he made me cringe. Every role, every character was predicatable. I was done. But then there was an exception: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was awesome. For the first time, I thought, "Wow. Jim Carrey can really act and not be totally irritating." I love that movie, and although I am still highly irritated by Jim Carrey on occasion, he earned a whole new respect from me when that movie was released.

So this is what I'm looking for from Jennifer. I like her. I've liked her movies for years. But we've reached a point where I just want more. I'm tired of her playing the attractive but slightly damaged, slightly awkward middle-class income kind of girl who isn't looking for love but finds it anyway. Enough. I want her to do something more challenging... and honestly, until she does, I'm on a Jennifer Aniston boycott.

C'mon Jennifer! You can do it! Go call your agent and tell him that you want more. Tell him that you want to do something unexpected! Because until you do, I'm out, sister, and the boycott is officially on.

Starting now.