Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Do Me A Favor

There is something frightening going on today in America. Terrifying. And although it's spreading across the 50 states at an alarming rate, the source is clearly Hollywood, California. It's an epidemic, and it's called 'remake mania.'

Charlotte's Web (1973) - remade 2006
Clash of the Titans (1981) - remade 2010
The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) - remade 2008
Fame (1980) - remade 2009
Hairspray (1988) - remade 2007
The Karate Kid (1984) - remade 2010
Planet of the Apes (1968) - remade 2001 (prequel set for 2011)
War of the Worlds (1953) - remade 2005
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971) - remade 2005

And now Footloose? C'mon! Stop already!

When I heard about Footloose, the gears in my head started turning and after a little research I found a website which claims to know of remakes in the works. *Deep breath* And guess what else is on their list? The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas - you have GOT to be kidding me. Any remake of that film will be so terribly inappropriate that it will go straight to video. Maybe.

How about Hitchcock's The Birds, The Black Hole, or Dune? I know, Dune!

Well did you know that Ghostbusters is on this list? Or Gremlins? What if they remake The Neverending Story? Who would play The Child-Like Empress to such perfection? And in all seriousness, how can they possibly remake Superman? I'm going on the record now and announcing my official boycott of that movie if they do.

This is painful. Sure, there have been a few decent remakes, but I'm so upset right now that I can't even think of one. There are some movies that deserve to be preserved in the decade they were produced in. No one is interested remaking Witness, are they? Or Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing? No. Because it's ridiculous! So instead they'll destroy 80s classics like Gremlins and Ghostbusters and ruin them with modern-looking special effects... remember what happened with the new Star Wars trilogy?

C'mon, Hollywood. There are thousands of starving writers out there and unemployment is high. Can't you hire a few of them and produce something original?

Just please, please do me one small favor. Just one... and yes, I want you to pinkie swear. Please don't remake Grease. And I'm not talking about Grease 2... I'm talking about John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John singing Summer Nights in the school yard. You'll destroy me, Hollywood, and you'll forever change the spirit and soul of karaoke duets.

Trust me when I say that you don't want the weight of this on your shoulders, or on your soul. Please, Hollywood... please?

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Sunday, June 20, 2010

Quote of the Week

"It's also known as a 'flash mob,' but in Baltimore that means something different, so we call it a 'dance attack.'"

- CG, Dance Baltimore


Saturday, June 19, 2010

The Jennifer Boycott

I'm boycotting Jennifer Aniston. I'm so sorry, Jennifer. I like you, I really do. When Brad went flaky and left you, I was with you all the way, 100%, unequivocally. I think you're adorable, talented, clever and smart... and my guess is that you're a pretty great person... but I can't do this anymore. I just can't watch another Jennifer-Aniston-looking-cute kind of movie.

I feel the need to provide a parallel. I'm not a Jim Carrey fan. Not at all. I liked The Mask when it came out (can you believe that was 1994?), but nearly every movie that Jim Carrey does results in the same character from him. He never made me laugh, he made me cringe. Every role, every character was predicatable. I was done. But then there was an exception: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was awesome. For the first time, I thought, "Wow. Jim Carrey can really act and not be totally irritating." I love that movie, and although I am still highly irritated by Jim Carrey on occasion, he earned a whole new respect from me when that movie was released.

So this is what I'm looking for from Jennifer. I like her. I've liked her movies for years. But we've reached a point where I just want more. I'm tired of her playing the attractive but slightly damaged, slightly awkward middle-class income kind of girl who isn't looking for love but finds it anyway. Enough. I want her to do something more challenging... and honestly, until she does, I'm on a Jennifer Aniston boycott.

C'mon Jennifer! You can do it! Go call your agent and tell him that you want more. Tell him that you want to do something unexpected! Because until you do, I'm out, sister, and the boycott is officially on.

Starting now.


Saturday, June 12, 2010

Little Known Fact #1

If you leave cans of V8 (or canned sodas, I presume) in your trunk for a few months, the ink on the outside of the can will come off on your hands when you handle them. Yep. Just in case you didn't know...


Wednesday, June 09, 2010

What To Say About Glee?

Lest I earn too much respect by writing only thought-provoking posts about interesting topics such as toothpaste and toilet paper, I'd like to say that Glee's season finale hurt my heart. It did.

Overall music and performances - fantastic. The editing of "Bohemian Rhapsody" and Quinn's labor - brilliant! The performance of "To Sir With Love" - just beautiful!!

All that being said, the episode didn't sit well with me. It just didn't. I mean seriously, they came in last? What was the point of that? Did I root for them all season just so I could be told that they're a rag-tag group of misfits? Well, now you're insulting my obvious good taste - and that just makes me mad!

But beyond the group losing at Regionals, there were other problems that can only be described as sloppy writing. Why was Olivia Newton-John such a b**** when she clearly liked Sue a few episodes back? Uncharacteristic. Quinn's mom is suddenly back in the picture? "My water broke." How convenient. Oh, and Shelby adopts baby Beth? C'mon! Everyone knows that white babies are in crazy demand in the US, and a random single nearly 40 year old teacher is lucky enough to adopt her on the spot?? PLEASE.

Like I said... my heart hurts. I'm so disappointed.

Overall, my favorite review came from the LA Times. Thank you Gerrick D. Kennedy. You and I are on the same page, my fellow Glee fan. Same. Page.

Apparently, though, I am in the minority... at least according to a People poll. When I took the poll Wednesday night, 81% of the pollsters claimed to be satisfied with the season finale. Really? What show were you watching? And now we all have to wait until September...

Sunday, June 06, 2010

A Curiousity: Portion-Controlled Toilet Paper

Yeah. Weird, right?

Yesterday I had the honor of attending a private party at Blue Hill Tavern in Brewer's Hill. I love Blue Hill. It's posh, classy and the food is simply delicious. Usually I stop in there for drinks or happy hour (try the hummus and fried guacamole), but I've been there a few times for lunch or dinner as well. It's fantastic, and I highly recommend a visit there.

But I digress... the restrooms at Blue Hill Tavern are equipped with automatic toilet paper dispensers, which I can't help but find incredibly strange. Am I alone in this?

Now remember that I'm a gal who likes technology. I'm all about being connected 24/7, and if someone could invent a phone, vacuum or blender that would also take out my trash... well, let's just say I'd be willing to pay a premium. But the restroom (to me) is a bit of a sacred place. I'm not really interested in any assistance when I'm in there.

So when I came across the automatic toilet paper dispenser yesterday I must admit that I became a little thoughtful. Who really wants this? There must be a benefit to having an automatic dispenser that balances the inconvenience of the purchase cost and battery replacement costs. So I did a little research... as it turns out, the manufacturers believe these machines offer a 20% savings for proprietors, working under the assumption that if you dispense less toilet paper (than people typically use) automatically, people will just go with it. Huh.

Well, for the record (and tip-toeing around TMI), I used two portions from the dispenser which is ten squares. I couldn't be comfortable with the mere five that I was initially offered. And apparently, I'm in the minority when it comes to using these dispensers. The manufacturer says, "Most people will take the amount given. People generally in life will take what you give them." Double huh.

So I'm not sure what the point of my post is really, except that as a technology-loving 30-something, I think an automatic toilet paper dispenser (or portion-controlled toilet paper) is weird. In a struggling economy, I suppose it's smart for business owners to look for more innovative ways to save money, but toilet paper quality and quantity shouldn't be negotiable in my opinion... I want what I want. But it's likely (yet again) that I may be in the minority. It sure would be interesting to know how much Blue Hill Tavern is saving in toilet paper costs, wouldn't it? Just curious...


Saturday, June 05, 2010

Give Me That Old Time City Livin'

I mean, really?

I've lived in the city for over 7 years, and I am quite the expert at parallel parking. This morning when letting out the dog, I woke up to this - and no, neither of these is my car.

Who in their right mind would park a car like this and leave it there? And worse yet: There's a booster seat in the backseat! My car is parked safely behind my apartment on the community parking pad, thankyouverymuch. Stupid neighbors...